Hello hello. Hope you had a wonderful 4th of July and are hours deep into a lovely holiday weekend. These past two and a half months have been officially the longest stretch of non-writing on the blog since its beginning all the way back in 2012. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed you. And I’ve missed all the fun topics that we like to discuss here. I wish I could say I was off on a magical adventure, like Ms. Jeannie, traveling the world and collecting fantastic food stories to bring back home to share with you. But the truth is not as glamorous and the circumstances definitely not as joyful.
At the end of April, my dad passed away. It has been hard and sad and writing has been difficult. I wanted to spare you all a bucketful of emotionally awkward and sentimentally teary-eyed posts that I started to write and then abandoned. All apparently a part of the grieving process which, ironically, is similar to the writing process too.
It has always been one of my goals for the Vintage Kitchen to keep things happy and interesting by featuring positive stories and positive people. We all know there’s enough heartache and negativity already shuttling around the world, who needs to add to it?! Especially when we are talking about such pleasurable topics as food and cooking and kitchens. The vintage kitchen is my joy and I’m always hoping that it is yours too.
That being said, it has taken me a couple of months to wrap my head around the loss of my dad and what that means, specifically, to my happy, healthy and still very much alive spirit. Especially when it comes to cooking and eating – two of my dad’s most favorite past-times.
All I could really muster in the writing department immediately following his death was his obituary and then two brief stories on Instagram about him here and here. Whenever it came to settling down to write a proper post about him and this whole experience here on the blog, each attempt fell apart, and the words turned into a jungle of wild declarations, rough meanderings and that dreaded word that tends to get over-sentimentalized these days … nostalgia. For two months I’ve mulled over what to say, how to say it and why it would be important. Then, just the other day, I looked at the apron and suddenly it all made sense.
When my sister and I closed up my dad’s house in early May to head back home to our lives, I took five things from his kitchen… his crock-pot, his orangey-red dutch oven, two handfuls of 1960s Air France ceramic nut dishes, an all-in-French cookbook featuring recipes from the Riviera, and his black striped apron. Like any good family heirloom passed down from one generation to another, I knew these five items would help make the memories I had of him last.
The apron was originally part of a set made by Now Designs in San Francisco in the 1980s. It was from their Paris Bistro collection which also included a matching apron in white and grey stripe and a trio of coordinating potholders and oven mitts. Whether he bought it himself or it was gifted to him, I’m not sure, but the Paris theme matched his French airline executive career and the black cloth matched the color of his hair.
I have looked at this apron so many times throughout my life that I don’t really notice the label or even the stripes so much anymore. Whenever I look at the apron I see my dad in a bevy of situations. Standing at the grill on the back deck, when I was 5 and he was 40. Scurrying around the kitchen readying a weekend dinner party when I was in my teens and he was in his 50s. Shaking martinis for Christmas cocktail hour when I was in my 20s and he was in his 60s. At each turn of thought, the apron is always there, with him, with us, an active member of the family at mealtimes for more than three decades.
Looking at it now, you’d never guess it is over 35 years old. Probably this is a testament to the quality of the fabric, the talent of the maker, and my dad’s neat and tidy ways. But as they say, appearances can be deceiving. This apron is definitely no amateur. It has lived in a suburban family house overlooking New York’s Hudson River, in a golf course bachelor apartment overlooking the Connecticut border, and in two houses in Florida both overlooking lakes where alligators may or may not have roamed. As my dad’s go-to uniform in the kitchen and at the grill, it was instrumental in whipping up many of his favorite house specialties like apricot glazed Cornish game hens, cheddar chive biscuits, and barbecued chicken. It’s been a part of holiday parties, birthday parties, house parties and most every everyday dinner in between. It’s been dressed with shorts, suits, tuxedos, jeans, pants, and even a bathing suit or two. It’s adventured through snowstorms, rainstorms, heat waves, hurricanes, bad food, good food, burnt food, and best foods. And best of all, at one point or another, it has been worn at least once or twice by every member of my family – my mom, my sisters, my brother, and me for various cooking tasks. But most often it has been worn by my dad.
When my parents divorced in the mid-1990s, my dad really took on home cooking with gusto. He was a world traveler by that point in his life, the consummate jet setter, living a glamorous lifestyle while visiting glamorous places. But he hadn’t really traveled around his own kitchen with that much intrepid wonder yet. Always good at outdoor grilling, the indoor kitchen was new uncharted territory. One day he decided to change that. He read up on back issues of Gourmet magazine, bought a bunch of kitchen gadgets, and got to work. What he produced, over time, were incredible meals fit for lavish occasions. His palate was vast and varied and nothing was off-limits, especially when it came to entertaining and indulging his friends and his family. When all this joie-de-vivre came about in his kitchen, I was a teenager and a curious gourmet myself. We would spend weekends together, my sister, my dad, and I trying out new recipes, new wines, and new techniques while singing the night away to Frank Sinatra as we whisked and whipped and boiled and blanched our way through a plethora of recipes over a plethora of years.
My dad was fun to talk with about cooking because he almost always had a story to back up a food. Pigeon in Africa, pasta in Italy, lamb in New Zealand, croissants in Paris, rice in Kuala Lumpur… the adventures were endless. Plus we traveled a lot together so we each brought our own memories to the conversation of what we tasted and how we felt. My dad understood the power of food and the emotional vibrancy it brought to an atmosphere unlike anyone else I had known. Probably because he had attended enough work dinners and cocktail parties to last three lifetimes let alone one. Those experiences helped him craft the subtle nuances of cooking for others and added art to the act of entertaining. He knew that a pre-dinner cocktail could loosen the mood, that a dinner wine could bring out new flavors in the food and that a new style of cooking had the power to ignite curiosity and expand horizons. Once he got the hang of it all, he entertained with abandon. Almost every weekend his house was full with a party or two. And on the quiet nights, he ate just as interestingly.
When he became sick a few years ago my dad stopped cooking altogether. This transition came on slowly. A packaged Trader Joe’s food dinner here, another one there, “for convenience,” he said, when he didn’t have the energy to cook. The phone conversations between my sister, my dad, and I became less about what we were all making in our kitchens and more about what he was eating in his. Week by week, it became more clear – convenience was in and cooking was out. By that point, his favorite apron became buried in a drawer beneath the oven.
In these new normal days, my sister and I would fly down every few months and prepare multiple meals for his freezer so that he could pull them out when he was hungry, defrost them and taste something homemade. We made all of his most favorites – French Onion Soup, Split Pea, Chicken Cassoulet, navy beans, meatloaf, brownies, chocolate cake, cookies… whatever sounded good to him. Each time we cooked, I’d begin by opening the drawer beneath the oven and pulling out his apron. Within minutes the apron would be full of flour and food splashes, damp with water, as my sister and I dived into preparing our recipes. By the end of each of these cooking holidays, the kitchen, a war zone of scattered pots and pans and ingredients, would get cleaned up and the apron washed and dried and returned back to the drawer. It seemed like every time my sister and I put it away, we would be surprised by how great the apron cleaned up. How it could still look so spotless and practically brand-new after days of flurried cooking and decades of use.
When his frozen foodstuffs inevitably ran out, my dad would resort to indulging his cravings with things he’d discovered at the grocery store… rice pudding, root beer, peanut butter, cheddar cheese popcorn, danishes. Over the phone, he’d fill my sister and I in on his new store favorites including a fast-food sandwich – Egg McMuffins from McDonald’s. All this from a guy who never ate prepared foods or fast food in his entire life, who almost never ate dessert unless it was homemade, and who prided himself on eating a well-rounded diet. Out of fear that he was going to launch himself into some sort of sugar-induced coma, my sister and I would suggest greener alternatives like kale and granola, grass-fed beef, and tuna fish to balance out his sweet tooth. But anything that involved even the slightest amount of prep work was usually taken off the grocery list. There was no way his apron was coming out of the drawer on a regular basis anymore.
This past January, at the end of another big cook-a-thon, I installed a hook on the back of my dad’s kitchen pantry door and hung the apron there, hoping the sight of it would help inspire him to start cooking again. Unfortunately, by that time, he was hardly spending any time at all in the kitchen let alone in the pantry. When I found four beautiful vintage French wine glasses from the oldest vineyard in France for my shop and called to tell him about it and get some stories, he said he didn’t remember anything about the company or the vineyard and quickly went on to change the subject. I knew then that his foodie days were flickering. That the hook for the apron I recently hung, wasn’t going to be able to work any wonders.
My dad died on a Saturday morning four months later. He was in his bed, in his house the way he wanted to be. It was peaceful and calm. My sister and I were there with him right to the very end. The next few days and weeks passed. My wonderful husband took over kitchen detail and cooked all the meals while my sister and I made arrangements and plans. I felt anxious during that time in his house, like an impostor secretly living someone else’s life. Every activity felt strange, uncomfortable, and slightly ridiculous as we witnessed life carrying on in his house, among his things, without him.
I never thought that release from those feelings would ever come in the form of 44″ inches of 35-year-old cotton fabric. But when my sister and I sat down to make a list of the few things we wanted to take home with us, right away, my first pick was the black striped apron. Somehow, in some weird testament to its abilities, this apron has always felt the same to wear no matter how old I was – 8 or 18 or 38. It always fit my dad well too – no matter if he was thin and trim like he was in his executive years or stooped and slightly paunched in his senior years. Everything about it just fit right and felt right, always.
I wish I could remember the last meal my dad made for himself in this apron before he decided to stop cooking altogether. It must have been sometime in 2017 or maybe early 2018 when he experienced a brief burst of energy that had him not only talking about food but actually cooking a few dishes too. Stoic and loyal, the apron gives up no clues. There are no stains or spots that might have said he made bolognese sauce or grilled shrimp or chicken pot pie or lamb chops dolloped with a fresh mint jelly. There are no holes or burn marks or ripped threads from an adventure gone wrong. The apron tells no secrets. Instead it just quietly ties together and holds onto a lifetime of one man’s food stories.
I’ll never have the chance to cook alongside my dad or for my dad anymore, but as long as his apron hangs around my kitchen, I’ll always be able to cook with him. He may not physically be here but he’s also not really gone either. That’s the joy of inheriting his apron. Somehow, when I tie the strings of black stripe around my waist and get to cooking it feels like a hug. A hug from a dad to his daughter. From one cook to another.
Funny enough, I couldn’t locate one photograph of my dad in his apron, even though I know there are several somewhere in his photo collection. So in its place, I’m including this one, where he is neither cooking nor apron-ing but instead smiling big and happy, which is even better. As I said earlier, this post took a long time to write. There is still lots more to be said about this big man who led a big life in a big way. I look forward to sharing more about him in future posts. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this quote by Anthony Hopkins which I think wholeheartedly sums up my new philosophy, especially after going through this experience…
Cheers to eating the delicious food, to aprons that wrap us up in memories that last, and to my dad who taught me so much stuff I hardly know where to begin.
25 thoughts on “Inheriting My Dad’s Apron: A Death But Also A Joy”
Sad to hear about your loss.
Thank you so much!
Wow. THAT Was an amazing journey. Thank you.
Thank you for helping to make it amazing. I’ll never ever have a better memory of Eggs Benedict:)
It took you time find the words but they end up being perfect words. This is a wonderful tribute to a man who lived a big life. How fortunate you all were. Wear the apron with fondness and pride!
Thank you so much! You bet:) There will be thirty five more years of culinary adventuring with this apron guaranteed:)
What a wonderful tribute to your dad and also of the relationship that you and your sister share. Your dad left you a wonderful legacy of who he was and how much he loved his family.
Your writings reflect many wonderful attributes and aspects; not just about cooking in the kitchen but the many other topics that you write to your audience. Another part of your father‘s legacy that you are living and that is the pinnacle of honoring your father. Thank you for sharing and definitely blessing my day .
Thank you so much for all these kind words. There are lots and lots and lots of great memories to hold close. And some great recipes of his too – which I look forward to sharing here on the blog! Now its onward and upward:)
What a lovely testimonial to a life well lived. I understand what you have been going through. The grief and the happy memories mix together into new “recipes” we hadn’t tasted before. All the Best.
Thank you so much Gwen! Yes, you are so right about those recipes. From here on out its just about remembering all those good times – of which there are many:)
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Thank you so much!
I’m so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful and touching story you have shared with us. What a treasure that apron is for you. I hope you find the comfort of memories and hugs in the apron. ♥♥
Oh thank you so much for your kind message. I really look forward to sharing some of his best recipes with you here on the blog. Especially a few from his all-in-French cookbook. My French was not as great as my dad’s so there will definitely be some adventures in that department. I’m hoping the apron will be a good translator:)
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So beautifully written. Of course I teared up.
Thank you for your lovely compliment. I promise the next coming posts will be more cheerful and light and lively in spirit. The apron is helping in lots of ways:)
This is a wonderful testament for your father.
Thank you so much! He was a wonderful dad:)
Thank you. I wish I had an apron to hug me.
Oh my dear. You may not have an apron but you do have a big hug from the Vintage Kitchen. We welcome all stories, thoughts and recipes so if you have anything you would ever love to share about your family, we would most welcome it. Kitchen lore lives forever here and every life lived impacts what and how we do things. Hugs come in waves of kitchen comfort. Sending you many….
I found this beautiful article through
the Anthony Hopkins quote appearing
in Pinterest…I just lost my Mum three
weeks ago- your words are having a profound effect on me-thank you.
I fully identify with how jumbled
everything you want to express becomes
…thank you so much for your clarity and
courage in sharing what you feel.
May God bless you and keep you. M.
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Oh Maria – I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I hope your coming days and months will be comforted at least a little by Anthony Hopkins wise words. I think about his quote almost every day. The last part – “there’s no time for anything else” always gives me the little extra bit of encouragement should I need a boost. Just like your kind words have done today regarding the blog. Thank you so much. If you ever want to share any stories about your mom, we’d love to hear more about her. Especially if she liked to cook or if you had a favorite recipe of hers. Sending you a big hug and many wishes for peace in the days to come. My best, Katherine